Marriage and a wife’s self-esteem

By Erika Rizkallah

Recently, I had an enlightening discussion with a gentleman in my writer’s critique group. He’s a man dedicated to God and is writing a book that will help other men.

He submitted a devotion about marriage – an analogy based on his time spent hiking the Appalachian Trail. His piece promoted perseverance and commitment and offered help to husbands using four Biblical principles. Well written and informative, our small group (all women) thoroughly enjoyed it.

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However, I told him one sentence “tweaked” my spirit.

“Tweaked?” he asked.

“Yeah, you know. Pricked? Tugged at?”

He just smiled.

Has that ever happened to you? Where you read something and you think Hmm I’m not sure about this or maybe, I’m not sure I agree with that statement. 

The passage spoke about how husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church. This is correct and true. But then he wrote something like, “A wife draws her self-esteem from her husband.”

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Those were the words that tweaked my spirit.

I politely questioned the statement saying, “I definitely do not get my self-esteem from my husband because he is imperfect. My self-esteem comes from Jesus Christ and who He says I am.”

He replied that his sentence is a biblical truth stated in Ephesians 5:33.

Our group got into an honest discussion about love and respect – what wives and husbands need (which coincidentally) is the title of a popular Christian book written by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs. The book is widely read within the church.

We talked openly about our marriages and what we desired from our spouse. I learned something in our discussion. We all have different ideas about this issue. Ideas influenced by where we live, our life experiences, various teachers, and cultures.

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But nowhere in the Bible can I find any reference to a spouse’s self-esteem coming from their partner. Ephesians 5:33 states: However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Love and respect are Biblical commands and I don’t believe they’re mutually exclusive. My husband and I desire both things from one another and the practice of this has made our 23-year marriage strong and healthy.

I’m writing about this for two reasons:

The first is to illustrate how important it is to know what the Bible says, so we’re not influenced by merely human ideas. The second is so that when we seek esteem, we turn to Christ for validation. I love what the Apostle Paul has to say about us:

From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. ‘For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’ Acts 17:26-28.

Your Turn: Has your self-esteem been influenced by other people’s ideas? If so, how?

 

Good advice for the angry

By Erika Rizkallah

During my bridal shower – twenty years ago – my mother passed around a journal and asked the ladies to jot a note or write some marital advice. Among the blessings and prayers was the popular suggestion to “never go to bed angry.”

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Many people are surprised to learn this principle comes from the Bible. In context the whole passage is about the Christian life in general. To be exact, the passage reads: Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. Ephesians 4:25-28.

As you can see, the verse about anger is sandwiched between lying and stealing. But it still makes good advice for soon to be newlyweds. However, it’s not one my husband and I have always been able to apply. Sometimes we go to bed angry and sometimes for no good reason at all – like last week.

For three whole days we didn’t speak to one another except in casual (if not comfortable) conversation, and then only because we had to.

Let’s just say it was his fault.

The highlighted quote about anger comes from the Old Testament in Psalm 4:4 which reads: Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. The “tremble” part means in your anger, which makes sense because when we’re really angry, we shake with it.

Sometimes quiet introspection is good when we’re arguing. It allows us to step back and think about why we love one another in the first place. It also helps us not say things (sometimes) that are sinful and hurt the other party.

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              “In your anger do not sin.”

So if you’re giving advice at a shower or in a doozy of a fight with your spouse, remember Psalm 4:4. The world – and our marriages – will be better and a whole lot quieter.